Hailey's Early Birthday!

We had an early birthday party for Hailey yesterday. Everyone showed up! It was wonderful. HANNAH MONTANA everywhere! I knew by what the doc's were telling me that come Oct. 13th (her actual birthday). I wasn't going to be in a position to be at a birthday party. I sure didn't want to miss it. She had friends from her daycare come. It was a fabulous party!!!

Lots of visitors at the hospital today. ICE chemo not so bad. Hardly having any side effects... hope this stuff is working.

BALD.

Woke up this morning and while showering.... it all started falling out.... big clumps. I thought.. ok... I'll just pull it all out... well, that didn't work. Get upstairs. Call Ron. Crying. I have to shave it! Of course this was the day I had plans with Lizzy to go to the Trisha Yearwood concert!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!!!! So, I call my hairstylist and of course she is camping. :( So I finally find a salon open on a Sunday. Get right down there...grandma, Breanna, mom, Ron, Lizzy, Hailey and me! They videoed it. Lots of tears. Quickly ran to the outlet mall to get a new hat for the concert. Made it in time!! Boy it was Awesome!!!! I am tired. Going to bed now.

What a mess. Did 4 days inpatient.... ICE after they removed my old port and put a Hickman catheter in. Got really sick from the dalotin(sp?) pain med. yuck. Just got home last night. lots of throwing up last night and today. Spent 4 hrs in hospital today getting rehydrated. Got all moved. Living with my grandma now. Quit my job. I miss work. Haven't had enough energy to even ck emails. Very shitty feeling so useless. Hoping after wounds heal can feel more normal again. Over a year they say with the Hickman hanging out of me. Really take some getting used to. My husband is being so helpful. He is very wonderful. Another week or so and I should be bald. Nervous about that. Ron my hubby saw a girl the other day w/out hair. Was quite a shock for him. He said he felt better after he seen she had a smile on her face and was looking well. Loosing my hair... again the least of my worries. So two more rounds of ICE wait 3 weeks go back in for 3 days then another 3 weeks then go back for 3 days.... then they will take out baby stem cells and freeze 'em. Then blast me with some more even worse chemo.... then I think 10-20 days in hospital to see if stem cells re-grow themselves. Chopped off my hair on the 4th. Almost shaved it. Would have been 3 weeks of unnecessary baldness. That’s all for now.

Made homemade rootbeer at grandma's house with Ron, Hailey, and Breanna. I love these moments.

Oh my... what’s going to happen. Right now CT scan on 6.30 to see how far it has come in 2 mos. Results on 7.2. Current plan from doc is 3 days of chemo ICE I think or poss a clinic trial... i gotta read more about... ok so 3 days of chemo in hospital every 3 weeks for 3 times. Then stem cell transplant with between 10-20 days in hospital. Poss radiation poss not. Not sure. Won't know anymore until 7.2 when get results of scan. Think I am kidding myself if I think I will be able to work during all of this. Family meeting w/my whole family practically on the 4th to see where me/husband/daughter can live during all of this. Just so lost. "The State" won't help w/temporary disability until I am unemployed for 90 days. So think I need to stop working now and start counting my 90 days because in 90 days boy am i going to need help. Everything is a mess. This SUCKS. Love all of u. Hope I don't lose my internet when we move.

The results. REFRACTORY HODGKIN’S LYMPHOMA!! From what I have read its more intensive chemo then radiation but possibly a stem cell transplant?? I go to Seattle Cancer Care Alliance (SCCA) on Wednesday... they should be telling me then what they are thinking. The big lymph node that is pressing on my head and giving me headaches is still there... I asked the ENT doc what he suggested about that and he said just start treatment ASAP. I had already went through ABVD and it killed all the bad stuff they had originally found. HOW IN THE WORLD DOES IT CONTINUE TO GROW NEW STUFF AND KILL THE OLD STUFF AT THE SAME TIME???? That's definitely a question I have for SCCA.

Bowling with cancer. Apparently can't happen. My husband really enjoys bowling... I liked to imagine it was something we could do "together". He as been a league for a month or two now. He is really enjoying it. I am happy to give him his "time away" too. So he wanted to go tonight to practice before "league" tomorrow. He invites me. I can't go. My shoulder is so sore still. It's always something. It's getting pretty depressing. I was in the restroom today at work admiring all the sticky tape residue on my neck. Lovely isn't it. Looking at my white gauze padding still covering my incision I try to tell myself... it's all going to get better. Then I remember. Even if I do have to go through a ton more chemo and find out about the wonderful thing called radiation that sunburns you from the inside out... (woo hoo... SIGN ME UP!!) I still will have another surgery to remove the damn port when everything is done. Man does this suck. I am "staying positive". Trying. I just want to stop being so strong. Husband, house, four year old daughter. Try to still fit in 40 hours a week at my job (around all the random doctors appointments). While I still can, we figure its best to work as much as possible now before I can't. So thankfully he took our daughter to bowling too. Give me an hour or so of "rest". Hope you all have a wonderful night. Any words of encouragements are GREATLY welcome. :)

Another one bites the dust. Take out all the lymph nodes... pleeeeeaseeeee!!!!!!! Take all the cancer away. I don't want it. Believe I may be getting symptoms. Night sweats. What is really wrong with me thought?? Who friggen' knows. By the 19th I should have some answers. Hopefully no later. Don't know how much longer I can wait. To everyone that is there for me, thank you. Love you all.

HAD BIOPSY TODAY.
Went fine. Not in pain. No complications. No stretching of my shoulder nerve. I can remove the bandages tomorrow. Quick update is all. Results on the 19th. A little drugged. Feeling fine. :)

I wanted to be done with this stuff. Chance of an infection? No idea. Tuesday. Consultation for a biopsy. WHY CANT I JUST BE DONE?? AHHHH. Was hoping to just be done. Get everything taken care of and be back to "normal".
Called Doc office to see if I could get in sooner then Tuesday. Scheduling girl... "oh... I'm surprised you got in this soon....this must be urgent... we don't have any openings until the 19th of June." Thanks a lot...

talked to the doc today only one more round of chemo left!! Then radiology for a week and I am free and clear!!!! Did notice a new lymph node behind my ear but doc said not to worry... this last round should do the trick, next week some scans and meet with the radiologist and be on my way!!!!

OK. First treatment done. Yuck. Was there from 7:45 to 3:30, only 3 1/2 hrs of treatment. yuck yuck yuck. Feel very tired. Not too nauseous. Good. First day back to work. Do NOT want to set at computer when at home. Must sit in front of one all day at work. No mood to do it at home too. Thank you everyone for being a part of this with me.

I got my hair cut. It's not too short. I didn't want it cut at all. Oh well. I am getting nervous about Thursday. I hate being cut open. Please everyone understand you have NO IDEA how wonderful it is for your support and wishes. It means the world. Thank you.

What a horrible morning. I did not want to get out of bed today. I finally did. Ron sent me flowers today at work. They are wonderful. He is sweet. He will be able to come with me on the 11th. He took the day off. I am still nervous about the port... I don't want to have any more surgeries. It’s on the 10th.